Midnight words...

havsjel @ 2007-07-31T22:08:00

2007-07-31T20:15:38Z

Joachim is coming out Thursday August 9 :D Weee! The gods knows I have missed him. The only thing is: I am leaving on August 10! Most likely... Just hope to hear his voice or see him for at least five minutes before I leave.

Uncle is worse.. They have put him on morphine. Two years is down to unknown. Days? Months? Weeks? Impossible to know. My cousin is having another baby in late November, early December. Hope he lives to see that baby.

It is only 10 days until I'm moving.. Scary! Exciting! Puhh.. Strange feeling. To know I am leaving home...

havsjel @ 2007-06-26T15:53:00

2007-06-26T14:06:47Z

Here I am. 19 years old and not a fucking thing has changed in my mind over the last two/three years. Just my life situation has changed. Before I was locked up with school, family and more school. Now nothing holds me back. I can just run off if I want to.

I am spoiled. Really, I am. My parents changed the way they treated me two years ago when they found out I self-injured. And I don't want to be. I find myself more lazy than before and I am used to get everything laid in my hands. This is really not the way I want to be. I know I have let it happen, but I wish I didn't have the oppourtuity. This fall will be a way of getting out of it. I won't have too much money, rather too little. Things like walking to school or riding a bike instead of taking the bus, changing my eating habits and generally everything to a minimal will be necessary. I can't wait. My dream is to live outside in the woods, living off whatever I can find there.

And spoiled as I am, I've got a new cellphone (a necessity due to moving, but not one that expencive) and I've decided to call her Narcissia.

My mac is already named Baby. haha. And my Nikon D70s Morticia.

havsjel @ 2007-04-30T10:49:00

2007-04-30T08:55:33Z

Wish I could have done something different. Gone back in time, and done everything different.

Still feel like I am doing something wrong, like I am a burden.

Every day a fight
Every night a victory

havsjel @ 2007-02-26T19:24:00

2007-02-26T18:31:57Z

Den fyrste song eg høyra fekk,
var mor sin song ved vogga.
Dei gode ord til hjarta gjekk.
Dei kunne gråten stogga.

Dei sulla meg så inderleg.
Så mjukt, så vent te sova.
Dei synte meg ein fager veg
utav vår vesle stova.

Den vegen ser eg enno tidt
når eg fær auga kvila.
Der stend ein engel, smiler blidt,
som berre ei kan smila.

Og når eg sliten trøytnar av,
i strid mot alt som veilar.
Eg høyrer stilt frå mor si grav,
den song som all ting heilar.

Hmm... Words. Comforting, soothing.. In a strange way.. Always has and always will. Mom used to sing it for me.

Strange weekend

2007-02-04T15:01:00Z

This has been a stange weekend.

On thursday I caught a cold. Not particularly funny. On friday I had a biology test and was feeling really shitty. Mom and Dad left for our cabin in the morning and I was looking forward to a quiet weekend. Then in my psychology class, Rasmus called and asked if he still could sleep at my place. Of course, I was home alone. So this weekend he has slept here and I have been ill. Cool guy, I think he bumped his head in the ceiling lamp in the hallway about 7 times or something. hihi he never learn :P

Now he has left to go back to Mandal and I am sitting in the living room watching the telly and surfing on the net. My head hurts a bit, but trying to convince myself that it doesnt. hehe.

Really looking forward to may. hope I can visit him in Mandal then. thinking and hoping for the weekend May 4 till 6.

havsjel @ 2007-01-22T15:03:00

2007-01-22T14:05:07Z

First of all, SNOW!! :D I love snow, the sound of it, the smell of it, the sight of it. And the fact that snow means skiing. Which I also love.

Second, I have found a wireless next to my school, so no my biologyclass is a bit more interesting.

havsjel @ 2007-01-14T22:49:00

2007-01-14T21:49:45Z

Once more I am letting Tuomas Holopainens words tell what I cant say with my own words.

"If you read this line, remember not the hand that wrote it
Remember only the verse, songmaker`s cry, the one without tears
For I`ve given this its strength and it has become my only strength.
Comforting home, mother`s lap, chance for immortality
Where being wanted became a thrill I never knew
The sweet piano writing down my life"

"Teach me passion for I fear it`s gone
Show me love, hold the lorn
So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me
I`m sorry
Time will tell (this bitter farewell)
I live no more to shame nor me nor you

And you... I wish I didn`t feel for you anymore..."

A lonely soul... An ocean soul...

- Dead Boy's Poem

havsjel @ 2007-01-05T20:58:00

2007-01-05T19:57:26Z

Hvis jeg en dag ikke er der
lov meg å se etter stjernene

Kutt deg gjennom tåken
og gå fra sky til sky

For tåken er min hvisken
om at alt en gang blir bra

Og skyene min hjelp
så du kan finne veien

La tankene sveve
og følg den vei jeg gir

For bakom all denne tåken
ligger en dag til deg

Og mens du vandrer på min vei
så hold et siste ønske

Jeg vil for alltid være
i nærheten av deg

05.01.07 Hilde Berg

Sleep...

2007-01-04T09:24:49Z

Soon have I been awake for 24 hours. I am at school when that happens. Hate days like these. I am dead tired when I go to bed, but when I try to sleep, I just simply can’t. Was lying in bed from half past eleven to six this morning. Only slumbering for 15-30 min.

Its so fucking annoying.

Yeah right...

2007-01-01T21:09:28Z

Happy fuckings new year...

I hate the fact that its not 2006 anymore.. I hate the fact that I am bound to stay here and live here for 6 months more. Then I might be off to Steinkjer if everything goes as it should.

Threats... Threats on fuckings new years eve. "You can never get away". Its more true than they actually want it to be. I can never escape from them, and I can never escape myself.

All I wanted for christmas was courage. Courage to do it. Sick and tired. Nouseous. Shaking. Scared. Almost crying...

havsjel @ 2006-12-07T09:40:00

2006-12-07T09:40:26Z

One more night
To bear this nightmare
What more do I have to say

Crying for me was never worth a tear
My lonely soul is only filled with fear

Long hours of loneliness
Between me and the sea

Losing emotion
Finding devotion
Should I dress in white and search the sea
As I always wished to be - one with the waves
Ocean Soul

Walking the tideline
I hear your name
Is angels wispering
Something so beautiful it hurts

I only wished to become something beautiful
Through my music, through my silent devotion

- Ocean Soul by Tuomas Holopainen

havsjel @ 2006-11-27T18:36:00

2006-11-27T18:36:33Z

Scared....
Worried....
Lost....

I am left with a feeling of not doing what I can.. But I do not know what to do... Tears me apart...

Don't want to loose him....

havsjel @ 2006-11-09T16:16:00

2006-11-09T16:16:40Z

Something I wrote some weeks back... Just some thoughts written in class when I could not concentrate and the other students were joking.:

To hear other people joke about what is my life, my reality, hurts...
To see other people joke about it slowly bring me to my knees...

Wish I were like everybody else, normal. Just straight, not bisexual, thin and perfect, not big boned and generally fat...

Love has left me and I will never be able to trust that anyone ever can love me or at least be in love with me. Not that I wish for someone to love me, they always somehow end up hurting me anyway.

A life in solitude, every day a preparation for the next, every day a reminder that I’m on my way home…

But yet I do wish there was someone there that love me and that I can love back… A guy, a girl… Just someone…

havsjel @ 2006-11-08T18:35:00

2006-11-08T18:35:39Z

Still alive.. But it can hardly be called a life.

I am scared... tired... sleepy... Can still see the girl in my portrait as dead. Me.. as dead...

It hurts... Want to go but can't. It would not be fair.

I am drowning...

To die, to sleep, perchance to dream...

2006-11-07T18:16:36Z

I am ready.. It is scary, but now I know I can do it. No longer afraid of dieing,
only to fail the attempt. No longer restless, calm..

It came clear to me last night.. The fear is gone. Sometime in the future this body will be cold... quiet... dead... Staring at my own picture as I am writing all this.. Mentally closing the persons eyes.. Then the skin turns greyish... The smile on her lips are gone, or perhaps not quite. There still might be a small smile, a proof of this being the right thing to do... Her glasses and earrings are gone, her necklace as well... Her clothing somewhat diffeent... It is not me, but yet it is.

This used to scare me... But not anymore...

I am sleepy... tired... Longing for eternal sleep...

havsjel @ 2006-10-29T21:55:00

2006-10-29T22:10:39Z

Skynd deg nå elskede, skynd deg å elske
dagene mørkner minutt for minutt
tenn våre lys, det nærmer seg natten
snart er den blomstrende sommer slutt

Piff, my pet bird, died today. He was nearly 12 years old, one month left, which means I was 6 when I got him. I already miss him so much. He made me laugh, he was my company, he was my first pet... Its unbelievable how much he ment for me....

Broken Days

2006-10-11T21:05:01Z

You can always cry but never complain
All those bitter tears, will it ease the pain?
(It’s) Part of the crying game will it ease the pain?

Even when the dead nights are gone those broken days remain
All those bitter tears, will it ease the pain?
(It’s) Part of the crying game will it ease the pain?

For My Pain... - Broken Days

Stupidity gets a whole new meaning...

2006-10-09T17:31:23Z

No remorse, none, I just wish I could have done something different.. Yet I don't know what I could have done different...

Hate myself from time to time... Hate not to know...

Stab a knife in me and twist it around, I want to feel. Hate being numb..

havsjel @ 2006-10-08T17:49:00

2006-10-08T17:54:14Z

God how I hate my self from time to time...

Nothing will ever be the same again.. And it scares me. Nothing has changed. Yet it will never be the same again..

My bestfriend, the one who knows and tries to help.. Wish I was worth your worries..

What a mess....

havsjel @ 2006-10-05T12:29:00

2006-10-05T10:32:15Z

Its been a long time ago since I had these cravings last. I feel empty and all I wish for is to feel the cold hard steel of the blades against my skin once again.

I wish I was stronger, strong enough to keep away from the blades... But no. I have to give in.

All through the night he is lying awake
Wond'ring how much more can he take
Watching the walls where shadows dance
Drifting away into a trance.
-- Eagleheart - Stratovarius --

Ireland

2006-09-23T17:04:34Z

Finally in Ireland!! Away from parents, school and general stress. But then again.. My thoughts are haunting me.. I'm scared......

havsjel @ 2006-09-20T20:16:00

2006-09-20T18:26:14Z

This is wearing me out.. It’s been a long time ago since I was this tired and now I’ve only been to school for a month.

It was the first lesson with that teacher and everything went straight to hell. Just because I questioned the fact that the politicians always babble about how we have to integrate all the immigrants and that we have to learn about their religion to do so. So when I mentioned that and said that I then found it quite strange that they then had made the books the way they are, with 8 chapters of every religion, 8 chapters about Christianity and 8 chapters about ethic and philosophy. We were asked about our opinion and I gave it to her. Plain and simple.

Then the next lesson we had ethics and were asked on out views on active euthanasia. I said exactly the same as a friend, but with different words and a few more arguments to support my statement. What my friend said was ok but what I said was completely wrong. I couldn’t say what I said because neither the book nor the Norwegian laws agreed with me. It was ethics for fucks sake! It was my opinion she asked for, MY opinion. If I disagree with the Norwegian laws let me disagree with them! It’s not given that I will go against them and turn out a criminal just because I disagreed on one thing.

Then I stood up for a friend of mine that was late for class and said quite plainly to the teacher that these are the rules as we have heard them and that’s why I disagreed with her absence setting him on that lesson, but agreed on him getting a remark. And yesterday she gave me a hard time for making a racket in the hallway when there was someone else who had done it. And before either me or my friends could say anything she slammed the door shut and was gone.

I hate that bitch, I really do. Have to do something soon or I will be in trouble..

My body is working against me again as well. My arm, shoulder and back is killing me. And I’m leaving for Ireland on Friday as well. I just want to feel fine for once..

Peeling away scabs,
Peeling away skin,
Peeling away pain,
Peeling away life….

Strange...

2006-09-15T20:45:55Z

Its strange how one person who say that loves you just one day says good bye...

She broke up with me. Not handling the fact that I go to school and enjoy LARPing and therefore dont have every fucking weekend off.. One weekend I was LARPing and couldnt see her, and then this weekend where Im rather busy and only had time to see her saturday. So she broke up. Hurted, but I gues it might have been for the better...

My girl :)

2006-08-27T20:19:45Z

Miss my girl right now, shes the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.. :)

Love her so much, its just a pitty that she lives so far away from me.. But we will manage, we have to...

It hurts...

2006-08-16T22:28:56Z

I feel like im loosing him.. Silence... Complete silence... It hurts... And no way I can trust that I can talk to him again tomorrow...

And Joachim is struggling with the trial. He's ill, his grandad died and he missed the funeral and now the preparations for the trial. It hurts seeing him like this.. It hurts not to have seen him for so long... It hurts not to be there, giving him a hug and tell him i love him as a friend.. It hurts to see him struggle...

It hurts to know to wonderful people... And to know I can do nothing...